November 7
Yeah, so everybody knows now. No one even wants to talk to me. Summer asked me to move out, but she blamed it on her roommates, she's such a liar. I think she just doesn't like me anymore.
This will be the last time I run away.
October 27
The other girls want me to pay rent. I came home in the middle of an argument they were all having. I told them I'd just leave, but Summer told me to stay. It's the first time I ever saw anything like she might care on her face. They all agreed I could stay for a few more days but if I stay much longer on the couch that I should at least pay something.
I woke up this morning (afternoon HAHA) and the house was empty.
Fuck this shit. Why are old guys all creepers? The landlord let himself in while I was getting dressed. He asked who I was. Didn't even turn around, just stood there staring at my crotch waiting for an answer. I told him I was a friend of Summers. He asked how long I'd been staying there and I said just a couple of days. He told me that since I wasn't on the lease that I couldn't stay for more than three days. I told him that was bullshit. He kept saying he'd just kick me out immediately. We worked it out. (His words.)
November 10
This guy is insane. It's just me, him, and Heather. He beats her. He's chased all the others away. It's only a matter of time until he comes after me. I don't want to stay here anymore. I don't even want to be in this town anymore. I think I'm just going to walk out of here. The streets will be better than this shithole. I don't need the drugs anyway.
October 21
Troy and I had a fight. He says I need to go back home. I don't even think my parents know I'm gone--they haven't tried to find me that I know of. I told Troy to mind his own business. I keep telling him I'm going to leave and he just says Yeah, just like last time.
October 23
I had to do something last night. I don't want to talk about it.
October 20
Sometimes my dreams scare me. I try not to dwell on them, like feeding them or giving them any attention will make them real. In this one dream I'm walking around an empty house looking for something. Sometimes I spend all the time in one room, other times I'm in a room next to a room I want to be in but I can't figure out how to get there. Sometimes I'm outside the house looking in a window. The house is familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. I'm not scared usually, just a little apprehensive. Sometimes I can smell something rotting, like old food left out for a long time.
September 2
She woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that my mom shouldn't have married her son. She said she was ugly and she called me such a disgrace. She grabbed my hair and said all you have to do is take one look at me to see how far they'd gone wrong. She said we make her jesus cry (yes, she has her own jesus I guess). As if jesus (any jesus!) would care about what I wear or what color my hair is. I started to argue with her, but she said she'd make me sleep in the shed again. I'd do it, but there's no AC out there. Haha.
I am beautiful. I think.
September 14
My parents left me at my grandmothers again. I wish I could figure out a way out of here. I'm just sitting in this room again. Writing to you. Reading the notes you wrote.
September 9
A bunch of us went over to R's last night. I had to sneak out but my parents didn't even know I was gone. It was raining so hard I was drenched by the time Troy picked me up Haha. Summer was there. She acted like she didn't even know me. I followed her around in every room she went to. God I'm so pathetic. Will the sun ever shine again? She keeps the sun hidden away.
September 25
R's parents said I have to leave. I'm surprised they let me stay this long. Summer hasn't been around since the other day so I called Troy. We walked around for hours. He showed me where there was a laundromat with a washing machine that you could get money from. We ended up at Fran's. I told him I was thinking about running away. He laughed at me. He said everyone who ever left ends up coming right back.
September 23
Haven't been home. I don't even know if my parents are even looking for me. They haven't called Troy or his parents. They don't know R's parents so whatever.
Guess what. Summer came over. We made out for a little while. She said she liked it when she knew I'd been with Troy. Whatever. I told her that she shouldn't leave me without saying goodbye. She said she never says goodbye to anyone. Maybe I'll return the favor some day. Yeah right. Like I have the guts to run away.
November 11
Me and Heather decided to go together. She took the keys to Jay's car. He was so fucked up I don't think he even knows we're gone yet. This won't be like the last time.
Now
September 4
I'm home again, but my parents may as well not even be here. It's like they're already dead. All they do is sit around complaining about their jobs and watching TV. That is when they're even here.
Summer's been gone for two weeks now. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if I can go on. Troy keeps calling too. At least he's still here.
Summers a funny name for a goth kid. Hey, do you remember when you came over here for the first time? I thought grandpa was going to have a stroke!! Haha. I've never seen him be so weird. Its like he knows he shouldn't say anything, but he cant help himself. He just kept shooting goofy insults at us hoping to get us pissed off, but they were just so lame. We just kept laughing at him and he got so mad. He fell down and dropped that glass on the front porch, whisky and glass went everywhere. I thought grandma was going to beat the shit out of him. He'd probably like that.
September 15
Huge fight with my grandmother. She kicked me out. Fuck her. I went over to R's. She's letting me stay with her until I can figure out what to do. Maybe I just won't go home. I feel like I have to get away from here. This will be the last time that I go over to my grandmothers though.
October 24
Summer said I could stay with her which is good because it's getting fucking cold. I'd never been to her house. She lives on Hitt in some shitty little place with two other girls. Still it's a place to stay.
November 9
I found another note from Summer. I wonder when she wrote it? How long ago? I wish I could just look into her eyes again. Just once more.
Today was pretty shitty. I've been staying at some guys house. I don't even know who he is, just some friend of a friend. They think its cute that I still write in this diary but its the only thi
November 5
Troy said he didn't want to see me anymore. I think someone told him what I've been doing. I can't love him. He's a good friend and I tried, but it just felt wrong. I don't think I'll ever love anyone really. Not even Summer.
I asked Troy to not tell anyone. He said he wouldn't, but Captain Kirk was already telling everybody anyway so it'll get out eventually. Fuck everbody. Fuck my life.
Troy called again. I asked him where he heard about it and he said that Captain Kirk saw me and some dude in a car parked behind the 711. I told Troy I didn't have a choice anymore, I needed money. He said he was trying to understand, but he was scared for me. I told him not to worry about me. Why is everyone worried about me? This is my choice. Isn't it? I can take care of myself. Can't I?
October 26
I went back to Summers place. She was pissed off about something. I think I know why. I found one of her notes in my diary. Funny thing is that she still lets me stay here, but she says I have to stay on the couch for now. I stuck around for a while but ended up going out.
Troy found out I've been staying here. He was sitting on the front porch when I came home. We went down to Fran's and talked for a while. He says my dad was at the school today talking to the principal. He didn't hear what they were saying though. Whatever.
Troy is seriously in love with me but I don't know if I feel the same way. I don't even know if I'm in love with Summer. It's depressing. Who am I supposed to be? Troy says that he could make me happy, but will I still be me if I'm happy?
October 25
Not much going on. Summer disappeared before I got up. I wonder what she does during the day? The two other girls are in college, and they barely speak to me. I'll just stay in Summers room.
Fuck this. She doesn't have a TV and shes been gone for hours. I'm bored!!!
October 19
It's been a long time. I haven't had much luck on my own. I can't get a job. I can't stay in school. I've been living on streets and sometimes staying with friends. It's getting cold though. One things for sure, you can't be homeless in this shithole city in the winter. I have to go somewhere. Some old dude at Fran's overheard me and Troy talking about me trying to find a job, he told me that I could go to New York and make a killing giving blowjobs. Fat ASSHOLE!!!!
Sometimes I wish I could leave all my dreams behind.
November 8
I just needed something to take the edge off. This girl Heather had some stuff that helped. I didn't want to go this far down though. Its like all of the pain goes away all at once, but if you take away my pain, am I really me anymore?
I had the house dream again. This time I was outside, looking in. The door was locked though. But then, like the way dreams do, I just kind of turned around and I was in that same room I always see. The smell of old food or something. It woke me up. I wish you were here with me right now.
October 30
Dude in a limo said he wasn't going to pay me. I told him I was underage. He paid.
August 24
Summer disappeared again, she didn't even call. Why does she do this? I keep finding little notes and messages she writes for me to find. I've started flipping through all of my books just looking for them now. I found a couple the other day. I wonder if she's writing them in my grandmother's stuff? That would suck. What if she wrote in her bible????
September 1
My grandmother is slipping again. Why do my parents leave me here? I'm old enough to stay at home by myself. Fuck it. I'm out of here.
Had that dream again. I was standing in a room looking around. I couldn't find a way out, even though I knew for a fact that there was a door to the kitchen right behind me.
Hi Alice, you can't live in the shadows forever. Shadows can't be your friends.